Website and Mental Health Progress

Published on 18 Apr 2023 | 4 minutes to read
#webmastery, #mental-health

CW: Mental health (bipolar and ADHD, but mostly positive/getting help)

Iโ€™m currently in a season of my life where I try to just survive the work week until my soul is buoyed by an outdoor run, another session of D&D or a release of new comfort content. Escaping into code has been my main daily coping strategy of choice, resulting in a new site layout: Lost in Space, the NeoSSG webring, as well as a Windows 95-inspired overhaul of my guestbook. Iโ€™m so excited about these projects, and I can tell Iโ€™m getting more familiar and comfortable with CSS because I can actualize my creative vision much more quickly. Thereโ€™s a certain thrill knowing Iโ€™m creating things at the absolute edge of my current technical abilities, and itโ€™s so satisfying to feel my knowledge grow with each code snippet I try to understand and adapt for my purposes.

Offline, Iโ€™ve been working on my other perpetual project: myself.โœจ I recently sought out an ADHD evaluation and ended up with not just one diagnosis, but two! Just a little overachiever over here! ๐Ÿ’๐Ÿปโ€โ™€๏ธ

The ADHD part has been evident to me since the pandemic laid waste to my daily life structure and exercise schedule, leaving me overwhelmed and unable to function anywhere close to my best. My inability to work productively created fertile ground for negative self-image to flourish and become reinforced overtime. Now, with medical help, all I need to do is briefly challenge those familiar negative thought patterns, and then I can actually get the work done, whereas I was completely paralyzed in the past. Itโ€™s honestly astounding how much I feel like my old proactive and capable self. Iโ€™m on the lowest possible daily dose at the moment, so the side effects are relatively minor. I get quite a bit of intense jittery energy in the early afternoon through early evening, and I also have significantly reduced appetite and interest in food. Eating and physical activity help with the jittery energy, and I just try to eat whole, nutritious foods whenever I actually am hungry. Overall, itโ€™s a huge win and improvement.

The second diagnosis was a surprise initially, but it shouldnโ€™t have been in retrospect. Iโ€™ve always thought I was just experiencing the human condition by being perpetually frustrated and disappointed by my own lack of consistent dedication to anything Iโ€™m passionate about. However, it turns out that my inability to sustain interests and hobbies for anything longer than 3โ€“4 months is probably a result of vacillations between manic and depressive bipolar periods. ๐Ÿ™ƒ For as long as I can recall, new hobbies or interests have taken over my life out of nowhere to the point that I start envisioning a version of myself who is going to be an incredible roller skater, half-marathon runner, self-employed freelancer, etc. only to completely lose steam after a few months and feel like a complete failure with no satisfying hobbies or interests for months afterward. Itโ€™s so helpful to recontextualize this up-down cycle and manage it with meds to achieve a greater level of consistency, so I can actually achieve my long-term dreams! Iโ€™ve only recently started medically managing this, so no major changes have been noticed yet, aside from generally evening out my emotions somewhat, but Iโ€™m so excited and hopeful for my future now.

Iโ€™ve just started to set myself up for long-term success and happiness, and my heart swells with deep and profound gratitude for my body and mind, as well as my supportive partner and doctors. They enable me to literally chase my life goals through fields of wild flowers on the most perfect of sunny spring days.

๐ŸŒท๐ŸŒท๐Ÿƒ๐Ÿปโ€โ™€๏ธ๐ŸŒท๐ŸŒท


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